Nigeria: The Fall of A Giant

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Dear Nigeria Politicians:

Based on my little history on Nigeria and researches done for this article, Nigeria was given the title as the Giant Of Africa because of its huge natural and human resources, coupled with her overwhelming population, and also her efforts in successful intervention in the crises within the African continent which earned her some huge respect by the International Community.

The same resources that gave us the title of being the Giant of Africa and also the envy of countries is now the same thing that has made us a shadow of ourselves. Countries look at us and laugh at the highest level of stupidity, corruption and also political dramas exhibited by our leaders shamelessly. Youths of the country are also ashamed of it which is probably the basic reason some ladies have decided to embrace bleaching of their skin to avoid any form of recognition…

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NATURE; A PERVERT

Hey Guys! How you doing? Getting worked up on the new Fifa 13 I know I know (sorry ladies, i just had to express my loyalty to FIFA)! I’m like soo excited! Eyyyyyyyyyyy! Sexy Ladies! Op Op Op Op Op Oppan Gangnam Style! * starts riding imaginary horse up and down while jumping like there’s a boil in my anus *

Well today, I intend to teach you how to see things in a sexual and very attractive way, no matter what you’re looking at be it corn, a game, or even the Bible sef! Anything you hear! Call me any names now, it won’t matter, we’ve been down that road before. How you can twist someone’s words into something sexual! But first we have to do it right, so allow me give you the course outline for this post while you take note.

Course Objectives

At the end of this post, the person reading this will be able to identify something sexual in anything that people viewed as harmless.

The person also reading this will be branded as a pervert according to society but he/she will not give a shit because his/her mind is too sexy for them to comprehend.

Its actually kinda cool typing like I’m a teacher. Doesn’t mean I’ll become one though. So yeah, I think that’s all the course objectives. Let’s get to learning.

How To Have A Sexy Imagination

Word Formation: To a major extent, the way the words are placed in things make them sexual. You usually can tell its perverted once you’re able to identify sexy words inside be it “Penis” “Cum” or other things. A simple example will be this. Thepenisinmymouth. When you saw this sentence mashed up, what’s the first thing you read? Few people are gonna be able to say, “I read, “The pen is in my mouth”” Most people saw the sexiness right away. But that’s too obvious. There are many sexual things in the words most people use/play with, but never notice. You might not notice it now that your mind isn’t so sexy, but once it turns fully sexy, you will. Let’s talk about a video game here for this next example. Its for mature teenagers. Yes. That game is Assassin’s Creed. I’m sure you can already see exactly why its for mature teenagers. ASS ASS IN. Now, that’s one way of looking at it. Or you could read ASS ASS SIN. That’s twice the “Ass” and an insurance of “Sin” inside
So be on the lookout for words and how they’re placed, then do some mental scrabble game and BAM! You’ll notice the sexiness in it.

Structure of the Object: This, also plays a major role in making you understand the sexy side of things. Usually, the structure makes it so obvious you already know there’s something different and unique about the thing you’re staring at. All you need to do is just look well and find at least one thing that makes it resemble a penis, or a vagina, or a boob.(I should start rating my post to avoid teenage visits) Why do you think most lesbians (especially the forever alone ones) have bananas or cucumbers in their houses? In a recession like this, dildos are too expensive, so they improvise. In other objects, it might not be that obvious, but once you find that one thing. That ONE thing, that makes it special and different, you’ll notice other things that fully add to its sexiness. Look at trees for example. Make a good mental picture of it. Then have a sexual body part in mind. And with elimination method, arrive at an answer. Trees are usually long and standing and do not posses any holes or anything so it can’t be a vagina or a boob. But, trees have leaves which can remind you of pubic hair. Trees are usually erect and straight making it resemble an excited penis. BAM! A Tree is Mother Nature’s penis

Features/Characteristics of the Object: Now I should have joined this with the structure, but I think its better as a single entity. Don’t get me wrong.. All these factors work together to make something sexy. It just depends on what you notice first. To a major role, its the feature of an object that tells you how its sexual. The color of the object also helps in it. This is why most chocolate bars like Mars, Malteasers, Bounty and my favorite, Twix are seen as sexual. When you put them in your mouth, put your lips on them, gently sink your teeth in, and pull out, they immediately deposit their juices on your lips. I like Bounty since its brown on the outside, and gives you its whitish inner when you pull out
At other times however, it might be the way it feels. Take a watermelon for example. Its big. The structure of it already renders it sexual. If you can make water sexual, the word is also sexual! Now moving on to the features. Watermelons are soft and squishy, and we all just want to dig in, hold one in our hands, and take soft gentle nibbles or bites of them just because they’re juicy! So basically, with that in mind. We could use elimination method and immediately induce that a Watermelon is Mother Nature’s version of a boob!

Words/Terms Associated With The Object: I just can’t think of a good heading, but for this part, it has to also do with words. This time around however, it has to do with the terms used when referring to a sexual body part. You can say someone has a “Hard On” when his penis is excited. You can say someone is “Wet” when she’s dripping on the inside. Certain words like those (Wet, Hard, Erect etc) make things look sexual. I’m sure most of you would have pervasive thoughts if a female texted you in the rain saying “Please come and pick me up! I’m wet!” We all know its raining, but hey! She might actually BE wet
On a more advanced note, you could even turn your Bible into “50 Shades of Grey”. Just imagine reading a passage that says, “You are my rock, my salvation. I worship You.” Immediately you read this, you single out “Rock” and “Salvation”. A property of a rock; Its Hard. When you hear Salvation, you think of God, churches, Missionaries!! MISSIONARIES! Missionary position. Come back to reality and instead of reading “You are my rock, my salvation. I worship You” all you can see is someone who’s talking about the D in missionary position and she’s (or he’s o_O) so pleased, he/she worships the person. (Calm down people. Don’t eat for me making a joke with a Biblical reference. Its just that, a joke.)

And with this, we have come to the end of the lecture for the semester ^_^ I hope you enjoyed this semester’s lectures? Don’t worry, next time I’ll teach again. Follow @shysarcasm, and go and see the world in a new way! Tomorrow is baby sister’s birthday. God, this girl has grown o, and I am scared. Yes y’all know why. All these male preys lying in wait. Oya leave my blog and go and do something productive with your time na, abi what are you waiting for? Her details?? Jonzers!!

COOL STORY III

Oi! What’s good? *sigh. You’re obviously annoyed/worried/angry with me for not making a new blog post for almost a week and I accept this blame but please just hear me out! I’ll try and explain the predicament and why I couldn’t write another story. If you’re on my blog for the first time, well hi! I’m O’Jay, O.J, Mr O.J, Mr Sexual, Ode, Dumbass, Hayor. It’s really nice to have you here on my blog 🙂
Today, as I’ve been doing of recent, I shall tell you a cool story. One that doesn’t surpass others, and is probably more boring than the rest, but its not like you give a shit anyways. You just wanna laugh at somebody’s pain. Heartless people ( ._.) One of these days, I’ll hear your story and I’ll be laughing at YOUR pain (ง‘̀-’́)ง

The Cool Side of Life III

The Boy has awoken from his slumber but this time, he doesn’t need to roll over the bed, flip any switch, jump up from bed like he’s late for anything. First of all, The Boy doesn’t sleep on any bed. He sleeps on the floor like a real nigga! Secondly, he’s now in a better place with constant electricity. Lastly, ITS SUMMER! So there’s simply no need to be bothered about waking up early or late. The Boy looks at his Blackberry to see 32 BBM messages waiting to be replied. He immediately just sighs and feels its too early for all of this, so he falls back asleep and doesn’t wake up till late afternoon. By then, he is greeted by one of The Guys who had also just woken up, but had stuff to do on his laptop so he just came to pick it up and leave.

The Boy only had one thing on his agenda for that day, and that was football (Or Soccer or whatever you people call it. Only in this stupid country do they call a game where feet are utilised more in playing, Soccer, and a game where the hand is used more in playing, Football. Retards. Retards Everywhere). He was in no rush to take a shower either ways. His plans were cut short immediately his brother came out of the room to call his other brother for the weekend plans. Sadly, The Boy learned (from eavesdropping on The Guys’ conversation) that he was going to have to be away from the house for the weekend as The Guys had plans for the weekend which involved the house, females, and some drinks. You do the maths.

Fast forward a lil bit, and here we have The Boy, neat and tidy after taking his long and feminine like shower :$ Don’t judge him please. Just because he lives like a man doesn’t mean he isn’t in touch with his feminine side. So he eavesdropped again and heard that he’d be away for just a day. Apparently bros had booked the house down for Friday and early Saturday but he’d be picked up after the wedding which The Guys were meant to attend on Saturday. So The Boy, being a pig nigga, decided that since he’d only be there for a night, there was no need for his laptop, a change of clothes, toothbrush/toothpaste, toiletries, or even a phone charger since he could easily come home and shower, brush his teeth, and charge his phone and laptop later Saturday night. I mean, it’s just a night and half a day right? Except, so The Boy thought.

The Boy was dropped off at the house of a friend of one of The Guys. The Boy was used to this place. He just didn’t like it as much because everyone was always in their rooms and nobody likes to come out because they have their own TV. Either ways, The Boy settles down in the parlor while everyone moves to their room to go and do whatever they like. The Boy’s phone is the first thing to die and he’s already beginning to regret not taking his laptop but he soon saw that regret as a waste because everyone in the house seemed to not know they Wi-fi password of the house. Apparently their excuse was that “Its been a while since someone asked for the password though and personally, I can’t remember the password.” The Boy just bore all this and decided to watch a little bit of TV to console himself that its just for a night, so there really was nothing to worry about. He passes out on the couch moments later.

The Boy then wakes up in the morning and sees everyone up and doing, getting ready for the wedding that The Guys were also attending. The Boy didn’t want to go because he didn’t plan on going, and also, it was just too early to be awake let alone taking a shower. Before The Boy could go back to sleep, one of the three friends (whom we shall call Mr Phd) tells him to get dressed so they can go grocery shopping. Now The Boy is familiar with this technique, but he doesn’t have the heart to complain. So he dresses up and follows Mr Phd to the grocery store and they start selecting the cheapest things they can buy. Mr Phd asked The Boy how much he had and he initially lied that he had $10, but when they got to the counter and he found out that Mr Phd, AS ALWAYS, didn’t have enough money for the items bought, The Boy had to empty every dollar, every single dollar he had been saving to see friends, every single dollar he had been saving to take chicks out, every single dollar he had been scraping and saving for summer, go away from his wallet just to pay for the groceries. *sigh. This always happens

Anyhow, on returning home, The Boy learns some shocking news from Mr Phd. Mr Phd said that one of The Guys called and said that it seems that The Boy might have to stay till Sunday to which The Boy just bears gently. After Mr Phd drops him home, he then follows The Dr and His Nurse out to the wedding while The Boy is left to fend for himself at home. Now, The Boy isn’t that bad a cook, but unless its Plantain or Indomie, I won’t advise you to eat any of The Boy’s hand made dish because you just might suffer food poisoning. The Boy nonetheless finds a way to take care of himself, take a shower and had to wait for his body to dry since he had no towel. He then licks some toothpaste, gargle with water and swallows. Yes, you can tell that’s because he didn’t bring his toothbrush. No change of clothes, so The Boy just decides to wear only his singlet and boxers. Mr Phd, The Dr and His Nurse return later, obviously tipsy, talking about the wedding till they fall asleep around 2am. They actually kept The Boy awake till 2am because they kept on asking him questions which he gave no shit about.

Sunday comes, everyone’s asleep. The Boy happily sleeps and waits for someone to come out and make breakfast. He waits in vain as no one comes out till late afternoon/evening to prepare food and he was already starving. After eating and waiting patiently, none of The Guys shows to pick him up. The Boy gives up on waiting for them by 1am and goes to take his shower, wait for the air to dry him up, gargled with toothpaste and water, then singlet and boxers routine. He repeats this on Monday, and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and it finally came to an end late Thursday when one of The Guys came to pick him up.

Now The Boy finally gets home, feeling like a pig with his 5 consecutive day old singlet and boxers, improperly brushed mouth, and whitish skin (thanks to no cream/lotion) to meet the house in a complete mess with rice and chicken on the fire. He settles down all the same, eats, takes a shower, cleans himself up, and calls it a night. Never again though, will he EVER, even if it’s for a day, spend the night out unprepared.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, you were expecting a super chilled story after no posts for a long time, but what can I say? Its not my fault The Boy was taken by unexpected circumstances! Follow @shysarcasm and have a nice day! Lest I forget, The Boy is now a graduate and the feeling is better experienced than described. In that case, read your book o. The fear of syringes hasn’t made me complete my medicals though and I hear its a requisite for graduation. Isn’t that mean and Unfair? I wanna wish my uncle, Dele Salami a very happy Birthday. Later then..You wont have to wait long for another post though, I promise.

MY SOCIALLY AWKWARD LIFE.

Hiiii!! There comes a time in life, where someone’s run of form starts to drop. A time when things stop going up and even though they might not necessarily go down, the upward movement stops. The time when a writer reaches “writer’s block”. A time when your best daily series stops being “Daily”. A time when I made you think for a moment that something useful/deep was gonna come out of this “Time” speech. *sigh* It’s evident you humans don’t learn. The information you acquire here will in no way, help your life, YET, you still come here expecting to hear something “Deep” or “Useful”. SMH. In the words of Sauce Kid, “I’m so sorry for you! Mehn I cry for you (˘̩̩_˘̩̩̩ƪ)”

So today, I’m going to tell you much more about my socially awkward life. Today, oh today, I’m going to pick on the topic of smoking. Anything. Whether its smoking from a cigarette, pipe, shisha, hookah, or whatever you guys wanna call it, its still smoking! I really don’t like smokers. Nahh, not one bit. You do too many things that irk me.

The first thing I want to start off with isn’t the health hazard or whatever. Its the fact that almost everyone who smokes has to PUFF THEIR DAMN SMOKE IN MY FREAKING FACE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH Y’ALL? MUST YOU PUFF THE RESIDUE OF YOUR PLEASURE IN MY FACE?? OR DID I TELL YOU I WANTED TO PARTICIPATE IN YOUR SMOKING? Let’s analyze what you smokers who puff in people’s faces do. Now, when you smoke cigarettes, the smoke that emanates from the cigarette is the remnant/end result/residue of your pleasure. Now when you puff it in my face, it pollutes my lungs, and in cases where there are many smokers puffing around me, it may pollute my hair and clothes. All this, you do without my consent or approval. You just puff and don’t give a shit about my feelings eyy? Now, let’s imagine I was a alcoholic, and I took beer. The remnant/end result/residue of my pleasure would definitely be urine. Would you be annoyed if I pissed on your head, clothes, and hopefully your mouth without your consent? No? Now don’t puff you in my face again. As long as you’re my age and I know I could beat you if we went toe to toe, if you dare puff in my face, be it we’re in a church, mosque, fancy restaurant, or even a family gathering, just puff in my face and see if I don’t release the loudest fart you’ve ever heard in your life. And boy, I do mean that.

Now I’ve gotten that outta my system, I feel much better and more calm. The second thing that annoys me about smokers is the fact that you guys are knowingly killing yourselves YET you continually smoke. I find it sad. Really really sad. When I see people puffing their life away as they smoke and then feel like bosses with every smoke/blunt they blow, I just feel bad for them, but then again, its the path they’ve chosen to go and all I can do is either say smoking is bad for you and watch the smokers give me stories of how Mungo Park did this and that, and how smoking isn’t bad and its kind of addictive and I should try some, or just mentally pray for them and save myself the wahala of having to hear how someone’s grandma is 92 and she’s been smoking yet is still healthy. Bro/Sis, look, I really don’t care if your mum/dad/family friend or whoever has been smoking since he/she was in the womb, all I know is that in no way, does smoking enhance your life at all, so why puff your life away? In fact, statistics have it that a stick of cigarette reduces fourteen minutes of your lifespan. FOURTEEN MINUTES?! And you smoke a pack or more in a day…help yourself with the maths. I’m poor at calculations. I’m really not much of a medical man, but I love my lungs too much to experiment with them on “what would happen if I smoked a blunt or two with friends?” Sorry, it’s just not me. Besides, my self conscious side won’t like the idea of smelling like smoke while I’m talking to someone. Sha sha, that’s the health field, since it isn’t really my field, I’ll stop here!

The third and probably the most important reason why I don’t like smoking, and I’ll never smoke is cus..well….yunno…. Two words; Pink Lips 😀 Now call me crazy, call me stupid, but its a known fact that smoking darkens your lips for you. Doesn’t help it at all. So me, me that I’ve been dreaming of having pink lips and looking all sexy and shii, you now expect me to smoke? No, I can’t do it. Besides, many girls I know say that “Guys with Pink Lips can get it ;)” So I’m on the pursuit of pink lips. Laugh all you want, but it is my wish to have pink lips so leave me alone to have my wishes in peace! Oh yeah, and you guys (males and females) who smoke just to feel among and feel cool are full blown imbeciles ^_^

Yeah yeah yeah! We’ve come to the point in time where we say our goodbye’s and and call it a day. I sha hope you got my point. Don’t smoke! Please! Even if you want to smoke, don’t just puff in someone’s face and be inconsiderate. I’m pretty sure you won’t want the residue of their pleasure without your consent, so don’t force yours on them! Consider other people’s feelings! Ehh, so follow @she_sorcerer, and have a nice day.
PS: I know my lips ain’t pink yet, but soon, Baba God will answer my prayers. For now, I think there’s a reasonable amount of progress. Examinations are in progress and I’m four days away from being a graduate as I write this. Mehn, You don’t know the feeling except you are one sha. Just pray for me if u love my blog and and we just might get back to our daily routine once I walk out this school with that piece of paper. Yes, I spent four years in school for just a piece of paper o! Sad, ridiculous, yet funny, innit? Gotta go read now, Blogs ain’t allowed on answer scripts. Ciao!!

COOL STORY II

Hi! This is blog post number 25. We’ve come a very long way in a short space of time. I wonder if some of you do think I am actually a bore. Anyways, 1,514 views doesn’t quite agree with you :p. So today, before I proceed, I feel we should chat and gist and get to know each other. So Hi! I’m O’jay, and I like girls. Money comes first though (before y’all start feeling fly and all) What’s your story? I’d really love to know. What? Too shy to tell? Or you feel its too cool? Its okay. Since I’ve been in the mood lately, I have another very cool story to tell today again, so I hope after my chilling tale, you’ll be free to express yourself a bit better!

Since I want to give you space to tell your cool story, I shall keep today’s story as brief as possible. My cool story begins with my favorite character; The Boy.
We’re traveling back in time for today’s story. Back to the time when The Boy was just 10 years old. The Boy awakens from his deep slumber and out of reflex, reaches for the light switch and flips it, but the light bulb doesn’t come on. The Boy sighs heavily, and stretches out his arms to look at the horrific bumps on them, caused by mosquitoes. For three straight days, there just hasn’t been light at night and sadly, the generator wasn’t working either, so the mosquitoes were having a filled day sucking blood. Today seemed to be the last straw for The Boy. This was so because of what happened next. After The Boy had examined his arms and seen the bumps there, itchy and red, he became annoyed and tossed his pillow away, and what he found next, seemed to infuriate and pacify him at the same time. Underneath the spot where his pillow was before he flung it away, were six mosquitoes, resting with protruding stomachs filled with blood (The Boy’s without doubt). With the bad mood The Boy was in, he used all his might to squish all six mosquitoes and felt at peace as he looked at the blood stains on his bed. His blood. The Boy started feeling like Spartacus in the ring after defeating an opponent. Sadly, Spartacus’ celebration was cut short by the usual calls from the kitchen downstairs by Mother Dearest.

The Boy then moved downstairs to answer Mother Dearest who was also annoyed that she had called The Boy more than three times yet he didn’t arrive on time. After reprimanding him, he set to work and cleaned the house and everywhere around it. The electricity shortage seemed to be getting to everyone as even Awesome Dad wasn’t also in his best of moods and this showed during morning devotion with the way he said The Lord’s Prayer. After prayers and time for food, The Boy, being young and foolish, started complaining about his problems to everyone but no one wanted to give him a listening ear. He then proceeded to speak louder than usual and Mother Dearest wasted no time in telling him to Shut Up. The Boy was hurt by this. Gravely hurt.

Apparently, The Boy had been watching too many movies where the child (usually white in the movies) gets insulted by his mum and then he runs to his room and refuses to answer anyone until his needs are met and it usually ends up well for the kid. With this thought in mind, The Boy immediately gets up from the dining table and goes upstairs to his room and sits down on his bed, ignoring Mother Dearest’s calls. Mistake number 1. The biggest mistake anyone can make in their life span while living in The Boy’s house is to ignore Mother Dearest, and The Boy was just about to find this out.

Shocked by his behavior, Mother Dearest goes upstairs by herself instead of sending the maid, to find out what The Boy’s problem was that early morning. So Mother Dearest calls The Boy with every step she climbs but The Boy, still movie inclined, just sat down on his bed and pretended to be deaf. The Boy started gradually becoming scared as the footsteps and the voice echoing his name became closer, but in an effort to see this through like the movies, he sat down not flinching. Mother Dearest finally reached the final step, and got to The Boy’s room and tried to open the door but found out that it was locked. She then shouted at The Boy to open the door and banged on it countless times but The Boy, still being strong headed, sat down and said nothing. Mistake number 2. Mother Dearest has the spare key to every room in the house and at that moment, if The Boy had listened and gently opened the door, what would have happened next might have been prevented.
Mother Dearest, tired of knocking and shouting The Boy’s name, leaves to go back downstairs to retrieve her bunch of keys. Everything is silent in the house except for Mother’s quick footsteps. By the speed at which she went down the staircase, it was evident that that day, was going to be a memorable one. As quickly as she went downstairs, she was back upstairs, and she banged on the door again, calling The Boy’s name but he was still being silly even though he was too sure he could hear his heart beating. Mother Dearest finally opens the doors with her keys to look at The Boy, sitting down on the bed, arms folded, staring straight at her. The first thing she did was call his name, to which The Boy gave no reply. Mistake number 3. Like I said earlier, the worst crime you could ever commit in The Boy’s house was to ignore Mother Dearest. You could act like you didn’t hear her if she was calling you from downstairs and you were upstairs, but the fact that she’s standing in front of you yet, you still choose to ignore her? I shall tell you the consequences.

Once Mother Dearest called The Boy and he still gave no reply, she gave him a stinging slap. Now, this wasn’t one of Mother’s best slaps and The Boy was expecting it, so it didn’t hurt much. He still stood his ground and sat down staring at her, with both arms folded. Mother Dearest then proceeded to call him again yet he still gave no reply. This time however, Mother did not hold back. She put all the force into the next slap. The hand that had been pounding yams since 1960. The hand that had kneaded several tonnes of flour in past times. That hand sat perfectly on the left cheek of The Boy. Somehow, The Boy miraculously managed to stand up, shake his head a bit, and sit back down into his former position. The only difference now, was that his ears were receiving phone calls, his face was hot enough to fry eggs, and the tears were waiting to drop from his face. With all this though, The Boy still stood his ground. Finally, Mother Dearest called The Boy one more time, and slapped him again but on this occasion, immediately the slap landed on The Boy’s face, he got up as though he was prepared to fight back.

One does not simply try to intimidate an Ijebu woman especially in situations where she happens to on her rights. Mother Dearest sees The Boy standing toe to toe with her, looking her right in the eyes as though he wanted to take her on. She immediately exclaimed, “What have been influencing you? Your mum calls you and you’re bold enough to ignore her calls? What has come over you? (she says all these in yoruba, and the next part too but since I still can’t decipher the translation of that, I’ll just quote her. Olohun maje k’ote”. Somehow, I believe The Boy hadn’t realized how much trouble he already was in, but he still had the liver to say, “Nothing has come over me.” With lightening speed and immense power, Mother Dearest slaps The Boy onto the floor and rains about six heavy slaps on his back before he blacks out.
Fast forward some hours later and The Boy is lying down on a bed and Mother Dearest is sleeping at his foot side. Looking further down, he realizes that he is not covered with his bed sheets and neither is he on his bed. Immediately he tries to get up, a jolt of pain surges through his whole body. The door then opens, and a man in a white clothe comes in and only then does it dawn on The Boy that he is in the hospital.

The Moral Lesson for today’s story? Have breakfast before complaining about your night. Cool as you like? Now I’ve told my cool story, what’s yours? Follow @she_sorcerer and I hope to hear your story! An hint; Expect a sequel to one of the previous posts next. Don’t bother guessing, just keep your fingers crossed and if you haven’t read all previous, you should ‘coz you just might miss out on something. To all my Muslim readers, happy Eid-il-Fitri Celebration in advance. Pap’s out!!

COOL STORY.

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night to you!(Never had a reason to hate timezone until moments like this) How are you doing? Bad? Good? Don’t wanna tell? It’s all good. It’s all good. Keeping to yourself eyy? So I can’t even ask how you’re doing without you being all defensive? I see. Well, maybe this would make you smile; Okra, Bounty, Yam, Donuts Oh wait, I forgot, this might be your first time reading my blog. I forgot X___X Silly me! Nice to meet you! My name is O’jay. My family calls me O’jay. Friends call me O’jay. Real niggas call me O’jay. Acquaintances call me O’jay. Strangers call me O’jay. You’re free to call me Hayor.

Away from the salutation, if this isn’t your first time reading my blog, then I’m sure you now see your food as the sexiest things on the planet! You’re welcome. Well today, we’ll set aside all sexuality and focus on the other side of life. The beautiful yet painful side of life of. Yes, today, I shall tell you a cool story like the title suggests. So wear your jackets, cover yourself up in your duvets, and find a warm spot, it’s about to get chilly in here B-)

So today, we’re going to Africa, the West to be precise. If you want more precision, Nigeria. If you still want more precision, then our story starts out in Ajah, Lekki area of Lagos. If you till want MORE precision… Nigga you’re either a weirdo or a stalker.

Its 10am and The Boy slowly wakes up to hear little or no noise and he quickly stretches to flip the light switch to find out if there was still light and a smile of relief came to his face as he realized that there was still light. That smile was quickly wiped off his face when he looked at his phone and saw the time on the phone. The Boy quickly dashed out of bed and ran across the hallway to reach his parents room and he knocked and knocked and tried to open the door but he knew that both Dearest Mum and Awesome Dad had already left for their respective work places. So he just stayed, resting his head on the door as he had a quick recollection of last night and he remembers how his mum had told him to wake up early so he can get money from her to go for the party that he’s been making so much noise about even though she didn’t really want him to go and how he’s never this eager when it comes to school books or religion or.….. Back to reality! He wakes up from his mini day dream and then starts searching the whole house for bus fare or any little change he could find and luckily, he finds a thousand Naira. After cooking up an excuse (or a lie) for why the money disappeared from the counter if questions eventually arrive, The Boy then checks his wardrobe and can’t find anything to wear. So he goes to his cousin’s wardrobe and “Borrows” some clothes for the day. *sighs* The Joys of having a male cousin who is your contemporary :’)

Fast forward a bit and The Boy is looking good in his borrowed clothes and so he leaves the house to try and catch a bus to take him out of Ajah. Unfortunately, the two buses that passed his way were full to capacity and The Boy knew that if he wasted more time waiting for buses which would probably be full to capacity, he wouldn’t have a ride to take him to this party he so desired to go to. And so The Boy walked. Walked while watching buses pass him full to capacity. On one occasion, he saw a bus, but he already assumed that it was full to capacity and he noticed the error of his ways after the bus left and it wasn’t full to capacity. If you live in Ikota, you can imagine walking from Road 13 to Ikota Estate’s gate under the scorching Nigerian sun. Finally, The Boy reaches the gate, and doesn’t have time to waste, so he hails an Okada (Motorcycle) so he can evade the Lagos traffic. After haggling prices with the Okada man, The Boy is finally dropped off at his location and he arrives there just in time…. to watch his ride leave him. So for about 30 minutes straight, The Boy just stood there, debating on whether or not to use the remaining money he had to get to that party, because he knew he wasn’t gonna get back home if he unless he was given a ride coz honestly, the money just wouldn’t be enough to take him back home.

So finally The Boy decides to go for the party and find his friend and plead with him to give him a ride back home. Again, The Boy decides to put his faith in Okada so it can take him past the Lagos traffic and get him to the party on time. All is well and the ride keeps on going smoothly.. That is, until The Boy watched in slow motion, as the money he didn’t tuck very well into his pocket, the money which was meant to be the transport fare, the last bit of cash The Boy had, float away while the Okada man sped through traffic. It seemed as though the day just couldn’t get any worse. So The Boy looked on in despair as the Okada man just drove past traffic while he started wondering how he’d be able to pay off the man without causing a scene at the party. Luckily, he got to the party venue and immediately saw his friend who was supposed to give him a ride and luckily, with a bit of eye talk and whispering, the friend comes over and compensates for not giving The Boy a ride by paying his transport fare.

Finally! Something’s going well for The Boy! So his friend ditches him to have fun at the party while The Boy also starts searching for girls he knew so he could have a good time. After grinding with the girls he knew and thinking the day has taken a positive turn, The Boy went to have a drink. Mistake number 1. Now, a quick fact about The Boy. He doesn’t drink, except ceremonially. So he had a couple of drinks and started getting all high and worked up and tried to start busting some dance moves. Mistake number 2. The Boy is such a bad dancer, his grandmother dances better than him. Many white boys can dance better than him! He seemed to think he was doing pretty well and kept on busting his moves while his partner danced and laughed with him. Then The Boy started shuffling close to the edge of the pool. Mistake number 3. Like I said before, The Boy is a horrible dancer and shuffling by the edge of a pool is really risky because you could slip and fall. And that was exactly what The Boy did. As he raised his leg to shuffle one more time, he slipped and one of his legs went into the swimming pool while he hit his testicles on the (I have no idea what its called) ladder thingy in the swimming pool while his other leg completed the split for him. Now ladies, you might think cramps are painful, but a kick in the nuts is just not the same.

So The Boy remains in that position for a while, fighting to hold back the tears that wanted to race down his face while people stared at him and some laughed. His partner and some other friends helped to pull The Boy up and get him seated. He knew the party was over for him. So he sat down and wondered if he’d still have children. Unfortunately, his phone got wet as a result of the fall so it refused to come on. His friend came to his rescue again and opted to take The Boy home which The Boy readily agreed to cus everyone kept talking about the split and all. So the friend starts taking The Boy home and all seems well until he’s called back to the party to take his family member home because it has started raining so he had to drop The Boy off a lil bit close to home. By little, I mean 3 miles away.

The Boy starts praying for the weather to at least be merciful enough to him and stop raining so he could at least walk home since he was too broke to take an Okada home, and his phone was toast so there was no way to call home. Thankfully, the weather gets better and stops raining and so The Boy leaves his shelter and starts his walk home. All is well until The Boy is about one mile away from any shelter.. Then, the heavens opened up and the rain poured down heavily. The Boy, being too far from a shelter, had to walk under the cold stormy weather till he got home, drenched. His mum, being like any normal caring mum, starts shouting her head off at him for not calling and not taking the bus and she keeps on shouting at him till she notices him shaking and then she starts softening the insults and tells him to go and wear something warm to which The Boy happily complies to.

So The Boy finally gets to the room to meet his cousin boiling with anger (you don’t need a soothsayer to tell you why) at The Boy while he looks down as the torrent of insults fly towards him left, right, and center. Finally he’s left alone, and he finally gets into bed with a cold, wet phone, probably broken testes and a fever.

Summary of it all. That was the worst day of his life. Yet you’re laughing at him. Heartless human beings! Pfft! Sha follow @she_sorcerer and have a nice day! Cool as you like? If you ever have a bad day, remember this story.

LIFE AND EVERYDAY SEXUALITY III

Hellooo!!! How are you doing today? How was your night? Good? Not so good? Whichever, I’m here to spice it up. You shouldn’t be alien to this by now. As you can see, I’m not done yet with this topic. Whatever name you choose to call me, I couldn’t care less. If it doesn’t interest you, what are you doin here in the first place. Let me seriously advice that if this is your first time of reading my blog, you should probably stop eating now till you’re done reading the post so you can fully appreciate the sexual instrument you’ve been munching on that you call food.

Today, I’m here to open your eyes to something almost everyone, especially the ladies, love. Since I’m dealing with foods, you should know I’m not talking about shoes, handbags, or actors with 6 packs. I’m talking about CHOCOLATE There are thousands of different brands of chocolates round the world like Toblerone, Mars, Twix, Maltesers, etc. For now, I’m just going to focus on the most popular ones I can think of.

Mars/TwixBounty: Most of my female friends all love Mars, Bounty and Twix and its really simple to understand why most ladies derive so much joy on munching on either of these chocolates. The shape of a Mars/Twix bar gives it away as a sexual instrument. So firm. So erect. Yet, nice to hold. I can already imagine the perverted smiles on some females faces at the moment. But that’s just the beginning. For the next part, I’ll focus more on Bounty even though its also similar to the Mars and Twix bars. Bounty is normally brown outside and the exterior is just a carrier for the main thing. The inner, whitish, and I’m sure delicious inside that everyone desires to have more than the exterior. I’m sure you now know just how perverted you look when you take Bounty. The same goes for Mars and Twix. I like licking my Mars and Twix till I can reach the inner part which is sticky yet very delicious although I can’t seem to get every part of the sticky side inside my mouth as some of it ends on the side of my mouth
I’m sure most ladies can now see Mars, Twix and Bounty in a new light ^.^
You’re welcome

Eclairs: I’m totally sure I’m not the only one who has problems taking Eclairs without getting it all over me. I think Eclairs must have been made by someone who had problem controlling himself and must have been ready to blow at any moment; because that’s exactly how they are. The nice thing about Eclairs is that, you can have more than one in your mouth and you’re usually recommended to lick it till you’ve satisfied all requirements and look ready to take the main juices, and this is why whenever you take a slight nibble on it, it just shoots all the cream inside your mouth.
I think I’ve said enough. I know some minors are reading this blog so I don’t want to be arrested for selling pornography through these blog posts I’m writing

Okra: A quick spelling lesson will teach you that even though its pronounced as “Aw kraw”, it’s spelled as Okra. Unless you’ve never been to a kitchen before, or you close your eyes everywhere you go, or you’ve never had the privilege of seeing it, or you’re just a bloody liar, you’ve probably come across Okra. I like Okra because its a male thing. I’m going to focus on the guys here as I do my thing.
Most of the times when I go to parties and see everybody dancing, I watch guys put their Okra on various girls’ graters. This is when the grinding begins as the female rubs her grater on the male’s Okra and if she’s really good, she’ll make him deposit all his juices and stickiness on her grater. Don’t worry if you can’t make him deposit his stickiness ladies, you’ll usually have more than one Okra on your grater in a party anyways So if you don’t succeed with one, try try and try again.

Anytime you’re in the kitchen and you’re sad that you’re not having fun, just pick up an Okra and a grater and let your imagination fly as you play your respective role as the Okra/Grater and see how long/fast you can make things sticky

So I guess I should call it a day and spare you because your chocolate would have probably melted by now and your mum might be shouting at you for wasting time with her Okra (not your dad’s own or anyone else’s!) but I’m sure you’ll now look at everything in a different light and be so happy to ingest all the foods mentioned above! Big ups to all of you who have been following this sequel and this blog itself! I appreciate. Without me seeing my viewer stats soar, I probably will have lost the zeal. Follow @she_sorcerer and do have a chocolatey weekend 😉

LIFE AND EVERYDAY SEXUALITY II

Helllooo. I’m in a frenzy today so I decided to write another blog post and since you’re here to waste your time, more grease to your elbows while at it. (That’s kinda sexual tho. Grease acts like a lubricant ;)) So Imma continue where I left off the last time. Straight to business then. Or since we come here to waste our time (I, by writing and you by reading), why the rush? We could beat about and do some ‘nothings’. Okay, I sense you’re eager to read about this so I wont delay no further. I’ll just set to ruin/make some foods more enjoyable for people, as I open your minds, stuff it with my imagination, ram it in your head, and hopefully deposit information which will help you in no way.

“As I put my two hands on her sides, she stood still as I stroked her left side, while I licked her right side, making sure I got every taste of her sugary body. When she was wet, I knew it was time to go in, and go in I did, as I began eating her out till she squirted so much, she started dripping on the floor while I tried to get every bit of her juices…” An excerpt from The Doughnut Saga: Breaking Bread.
Now, if you read that and thought it was a sex scene, I’m very sorry my friend. You need Jesus. The only reason why I’m happy is because I’ve succeeded in showing you just how perverted a Doughnut is. Doughnuts are sexual snacks. Very sexual. I’m sure with this story, you can see why. When you begin to eat your donut out, it “Squirts” jam (or whatever is inside it), its very soft inside and out, and some doughnuts (not all) have “Holes/Openings” in them. I think we all know what a doughnut REALLY is now ^_^

Sausage Roll: Time and time again, I look at people eating this, and it bears a very striking resemblance to Gala, and any friend of gala, is sexual. We can look at Sausage Rolls the same way we look at hot dogs. They both like having some “Meat” in between their “Buns”. Or am I the only one who has split a sausage roll in two just to see one erect sausage happily chilling in the middle? If you still haven’t gotten the picture, well, you need private lessons. I offer free lessons on days that begins with “T”(for the female folks only.) You’re welcome.
Besides that, if you look at the top/bottom (I even wonder how we judge the top/bottom of a sausage roll?) It forms whorls/spirals at times depending on how it was made. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has eaten a sausage roll that has whorls on top/below. Now, those kinds of sausage rolls are my favorite, because they bear a striking resemblance to something we all know, and I’m sure many people like. If you haven’t seen one of these sausage rolls I’m talking about, well lemme paint the picture for you. Imagine looking at the top/bottom of your sausage roll and then you see the bread part forming a pattern that looks like a spiral and at the end of the spiral, you can see the sausage roll just barely sticking out, deep pink in color. I’m sure some people know what it is already. Some guys are already smiling while some girls are sighing; they know what’s being compared to a sausage roll. Still don’t know what it is I’m talking about? Get a Biology textbook, go to the chapter on reproduction and help yourself.

Burgers: I would have tried to avoid this because it still falls under the same category as Sausage Rolls and Hot Dogs, but since this was what was requested, I guess I’ll just have to open your mind to it.
Whether you have a cheeseburger, just a ham burger, or ANY type of burger, they all have one thing in common. All burgers have a piece of meat in between their buns. Now, some people might not see this as sexual or still not understand what’s so sexual about having “Meat in buns”. That’s why I’m here 😀 To explain.

As time evolves, so many names have been given to the male organ, (I’m so not giving examples) Now meat is also a name for penis. Now for buns, with the curves on them and the partition in the middle, its safe to say buns = Ass.
Therefore, Meat in buns = YOU KNOW WHAT ITT ISSSSS 😉

And now we’ve come to the end of the snacks today. I’m very sure you can’t eat any of those foods normally again without thinking of my analysis. 😀 You know you want a third episode. I’ll make your dream come true maybe after classes today. Till then, keep hitting the follow icon on @she_sorcerer’s profile. And hey, don’t forget to trick someone to waste their time. Pap’s out! (And that wasn’t sexual, it’s just my sign out slogan. :p)
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LIFE AND EVERYDAY SEXUALITY

And that boy that wastes your time by informing you about nothing really is about to commit that crime again. And trust me, he’ll get away with it. Not his fault, rather, yours. You allow him. then let him go scot-free secretly wanting him not to repeat it. On this one, I’m gonna make your imagination as sexy as mine. Maybe “sexy” is a little too decent as people I’ve discussed this topic with would rather call me a “perv”. But I’m not. My imagination is just too sexy for most people to fully accept, so I’m branded as a pervert. Such a judgmental society
Back to the topic!
Have you ever noticed that everything in this world is sexual? Ranging from the simple things you do, to the food you eat. Still haven’t noticed? Well, lemme give you a simple example. Now, you’re in class, you finish writing your notes with your pen, you cover it, and then you slide it down your pocket. Sounds normal right? Noooo. Big lie! That is just perverted. Its just that you haven’t noticed. A pen is always brimming with ink (which we could call “Juices” ) and so you have to “Cover” (or protect) it before “Sliding” it into your pocket. Get the picture? Anyways, pens were made to be sex toys. That’s why they usually end up in many people’s mouth :&
But I’m not here to talk about your perverted school actions, I’m here to talk about food. Yes, food is sexual. We’re just gonna touch a range of foods and then call it a day, Cool? (Oh, notice how I said touch? Yeah, it has nothing to do with this, you just wasted some seconds reading this useless bit of information )

I’m going to avoid the most obvious sexual foods like bananas, cucumbers, galas etc. From their shape, its obvious it was designed for female (and the ‘charly boys’) pleasure. Now to the foods.

Watermelons: Ever looked at a busty girl, admired her “Melons” and wonder if its possible to set p with her and possibly quench your “Thirst”? That’s why the name is there. Water Melon. Watermelons are highly sexual. Always big and soft. Notice that you have to remove the outer layer to get to the inner prize? Still don’t get it? Now imagine a bra and boobies. You have to get past the outer layer (bra) to enjoy the inner prize. Wankers, you’re welcome. Now you can wank to a watermelon.

Yams: At this age, its hard for some people to deny that they’ve never seen, or have no knowledge of what a penis looks like. Well even if you’re not in denial, haven’t you ever wondered why yams are so big, hard, and hairy? Mother Nature is a big pervert. So ladies, if you’re tired of using your hands, you now have a new instrument. See you in the hospital!

Mangoes: The only reason why I like Mother Nature is because she isn’t sexist. Females have their sexual foods, so do males. Mangoes are sexual. Or am I the only one who grabs a mango with my two hands, caresses it ever so gently while gently lying down and sucking on it as though my life depends on it? So if you’ve never sucked boobies before, guys, this is a perfect substitute.
Oh, and mangoes are kinda unisex now that I think about it. The way you move your head up and down it while you stare at that mango with a look that says, “I’m gonna suck you dry” Get the picture ladies? Mangoes have seeds, so you’re also teabagging. Have fun multitasking

Pounded Yam: Now most of you think that there can be nothing sexually wrong with pounded yams but you’re wrong. Let’s start the process with two things so sexual, I wonder why parents let their kids see them using these instruments. We call them the pestle and the mortar. If you pound yam, you’ll know how sexual these instruments are as the mortar continually keeps ramming the pestle with occasional rotations left and right when you’re tired. Also, once in a while, when you want to check how soft it is (no one really likes “Soft” pounded yam, you “Touch” it and “sprinkle/shower” it with water. That’s called climaxing)

Indomie: I feel so bad for many children as they digest this food and smile without knowing how sexual they look. From the name, “In” “Do” “Me” you can see it already. What is In You that wants to Do you? Also, I’m sure many people have had moments when they’re rushing their indomie so much they “Stuff” it in their mouth, “Slurp/Suck” it and then it occasionally splashes water on their face. Now isn’t that similar to a Bukakke?

Okay, I’m just gonna stop there now. But not to worry, there’s is going to be a sequel (With that smile of approval on your face, now tell me who’s the pervert), Who knows, I just might do another “Nollywood” on this one (If this is your first time of visiting here, you might have to read previous posts to understand that). Thank you for wasting time reading, but I hope I’ve opened your mind to the various sexual things that go on in our world today. Sha follow @she_sorcerer and lure a friend to waste their time too. Hayor’s out, over!!

(W)ORRIES (O)F MEN…..YES, WOMEN. The Concluding Phase.

Eyyyyyyyss!!!! I know, I know. The title does sound like one of ’em Nollywood movies, right? Talk of Isakaba (ur childhood was not as cool as you think if you didn’t see this movie), Girls cot and the rest of those movies that make a grown man cry. But hey, the difference is you’re loving this ain’t you? (except of course u’re a girl and you find the truth hard to swallow). This sequel is going to be about it on this topic. Unlike ’em Nollywood movies tho, I wont put ‘THE END’ at the end….no pun intended.
As an apology and a hope of getting my female friends back, I’ll finally do the male problems many girls seem to complain about. As a guy, I still find some of the complaints far fetched, but then again, not all I said about females are true. Only 99.99% is true. *sighs* I feel so gay writing about this.

Time: So its a universal fact that as human beings, we tend to know how to waste time even though we come on with many slogans like “Time waits for no man.” “Time is money” and all other fairytales. Time waits for no man, yet there was a time in the Bible where someone made time chill. Time is money? My wristwatch doesn’t add any value to my income daily Leave me to sound retarded. Its true literally, fashi the metaphorical side.
But on to guys. We tend to waste a lot of time. Sorry. Scratch that. We tend to LIE about time. This is a very normal situation nowadays

Girl: Hey Boo! Are you close now?

(Still on his bed playing Call of Duty)

Boy: Yeah Boo! Just left home now. I’ll be there in thirty minutes!

(Thirty minutes later)

Girl: Where are youu????

Boy: There’s traffic Boo

Now that’s a scene that tends to happen a lot. Another one which ladies seem to complain about a lot is time used to reply other females. Like when they send a text message/ping is sent to a guy, his response time is usually slower in comparison to a girl and his excuses are even worse. Why did you take so long to reply? Errm. I was taking care of my grandmother. But… Your grandma died last week……

Sometimes, I wonder how you girls keep up with boys sef.

Cluelessness: I still think this is a two way thing, but in most of the cases I know, its the guy that’s usually the most clueless person on earth. Now in some cases, those rare cases, where the girl makes the first move, sometimes, its proven that guys can be clueless idiots. Sadly, I know too many a case where a girl likes a guy, she makes the first move, and the guy is so clueless, he friendzones her and uses her as a link to get to another girl entirely. I’m sure many girls are celebrating as I admitted this. Calm your titties abeg. It doesn’t happen everytime. But it happens many times.
I know many girls who give hints so much it seems as though the girl is pushing herself too much on a guy. Sometimes, there are some guys I just feel like slapping whenever its obvious a girl likes him soo much yet he never notices. Like Dude, Seriously??! This girl helps you copy your notes everyday in class, calls you everyday, lends you money when you’re broke and always tries to be by your side everyday and you think she’s just that nice? Even your sister isn’t that nice -____-

Well I feel bad for some of you girls who toss so many hints yet the dude doesn’t catch them. But then again, why keep hinting to someone even when its evident he has his eyes on another fish entirely?

Romance: Now I’ve heard many girls complain that their guy isn’t romantic and he never can cater for their ‘needs’ Well, in most cases, within me, I’m like “How can a guy cater for your needs when they’re unlimited?” Sometimes, I feel as though its those romance books that have made it seem like guys will be like Romeo. But truth be told, some guys can be really Unromantic.

I know of a dude who was talking to his babe on skype and all of a sudden, he fell asleep on skype! I died laughing sha, but really, who does that? In the middle of an intense conversation which might have probably been sexual, the nigga falls asleep. That’s just sad.
In many other cases, I feel bad for girls who always try their best to put in so much effort in a relationship to talk to a guy. Always calling, always texting and always taking every little time to say “I love you” in between while the guy just chills and doesn’t say much. Well, as for me, If I keep trying and trying and I keep getting ignored or don’t get enough feedback, I’ll just ignore till the person notices my absence. If not, na to move on be that!
The worst one I heard was that a guy invited a girl to have lunch with him, go to an amusement park, do all the rides, watch a movie and dropped her home. I found it hilarious and just wrong that the guy made the girl pay for all of the things. He paid for his stuff and she paid for hers. Even though she didn’t tell him that she was expecting him to pay, she still felt hurt. She told me she had just enough to see her through that day. Now I wonder if that guy totally forgot what Chivalry means. I mean, unless a girl insists that she pays for her stuff, isn’t the guy meant to be the one paying?

Well, this would probably be the most boring thing I ever wrote. Sorry I couldn’t write better. I’m not that unsexist soooo you can’t expect me to be good at faulting dudes.
Well, if I do manage to make 2,000 views before the end of the week, I might just make a 5 minute video talking about my love for plantain and beans or something else. Haven’t decided what this week’s special is gonna be about. Any idea is most welcome. Thanks for reading sha and follow @she_sorcerer. Pap’s out!